The Guilt of the Working Mother

I've spent the last few weeks dipping in and out of the notorious Sheryl Sandberg book: Lean In. It courted controversy when it was published and divided opinion. She was criticised for not breaking any new ground, and leaving out issues such as how to overcome patriarchy, race and finances.

You were either for her, or against her. And a lot of people were against her. 

I'll be honest, I'd kind of made my mind up about it before I started and I was in the 'against' camp. What could a billionaire tell me, an ordinary working mother, about how best to run my life, my career? How was Sheryl, with access to the best and most comprehensive support, childcare and even wardrobe, going to relate to the woman on the street?

Well I've finished the book and I'll give you my opinion. 

I was pleasantly surprised. I'm just going to say it: I loved the book. Her style is self-deprecating and her prose is peppered with personal anecdotes which reveal her to be disarmingly human.

She admits that she feels like a fraud. She feels fear. She is unsure. She credits her husband with being crucial to her success. One of my favourite quotes is this:

“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.” 

She also speaks of being wracked with guilt when leaving her children each day. Now this is where my ears pricked up. 

Real maths that I have done in my head, on the way to work in the morning:

• 8 hours - Total time I'm out of the house on a typical day
• 2.5 hours - Total time Baby Britney is asleep during this time
• 5.5 hours - Total time she is awake during this time, and thus with the nanny 
• 4 hours - Total waking time she spends with me

Which means that the nanny is 90 minutes in credit versus me. I have tortured myself over those 90 minutes. Hoping that the 48 hours at the weekend when the nanny is off-duty make up for it.

Now, I'll take a wild guess here, but I think it's fair to say that no man has ever attempted these mental calculations. And that's not because they don't care, or don't love their children. They just don't feel the guilt that women do. And why should they? Why do we women do it to ouselves? 

Sheryl actually quotes research that confrms our guilt is unfounded: 

"Exclusive maternal care is not related to better or worse outcomes for children.  There is no reason for mothers to feel as though they are harming their children if they decide to work. Parents who work outside the home are still capable of giving their children a loving and secure childhood. 
Some data even suggests that having two parents working outside the home can be advantageous to a child's development, particularly for girls.” 

So should you read this book? Yes. Yes you should. Even if you're a man.

As Sheryl herself said, she wrote the book: "For any man who wants to understand what a woman - a colleague, wife, mother, or daughter - is up against so that he can do his part to build a more equal world.” 

Amen to that.

Fealing the Fear

SO worth a read.

Have you read this book? If you haven't, you really should. I came across it about 5 years ago and it completely changed my life. I make an effort to re-read it every year (preferably on a sun lounger). 

The last time I did this (in Mauritius, on sun-lounger, with fizz) I returned home to discover that the author, Susan Jeffers, had died. Very sad news and the fact that it happened just as I was hearing her voice through the pages made her passing even more poignant.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, before I had a baby, before I got pregnant (and let's be honest, the whole way through my pregnancy) I was gripped by fear. Aside from being out of control, having a dramatic pregnancy and in and out of hospital every two minutes, I had some very tangible, real fears. Want to hear them?

1) Lack of Sleep

If you have a baby that sleeps then look away now (in fact don't even speak to me!). This fear was totally founded. Times a million. Enough said.

2) Screaming

I've never been a fan of screaming babies (is anyone?) and I was terrified of this. Again, I was right to be. 

For me, it' s not just the sound, which is like nails being hammered into your soul, but the fact that sometimes you just don't know how to stop it. You are completely and totally powerless. And it can strike any time, any place.  Obviously you get better at this as time goes on, but the first few months were hellish. 

A highlight for me was a neighbour knocking on the front door to see if everything was ok. "The baby has been crying for a very long time," she helpfully pointed out. Thank god she came to check - I mean I never would have noticed....

3) I Wouldn't Love the Baby

I look back on this now and laugh. Actually chuckle. I was GRIPPED by this fear. I've never been maternal, not a huge fan of children, never been a baby snuggler. I lay awake the night before my c-section wondering if it had all been a big mistake and feeling so sad for Baby Britney. That I might not love her at all.

If only I could whisper in my pre-baby ear that this really was the least of my worries. The absolute one thing that I shouldn't have given an inch of thought to. It might not rush over you instantly (rather a fierce protective instinct) but when the love comes, it is incredible. 

Every cliche is true: it takes your breath away, makes your heart stop beating, makes the world stop turning. It's like falling in love, every second and every minute of the day. Apart from the minutes when they're screaming, obv. 

Of course, this love is also coupled with a crippling sense of responsibility that also takes your breath away, but by this stage you're so drunk in love with your tiny tyrant that this is bearable (most of the time.)

The moral of the story? Feel the fear. Jump off the cliff. You'll survive. I promise.

To Kindle, or Not to Kindle...?

Hmmmm.....

I'm having a dilemma at the moment.  I'm an avid reader, regularly ploughing through a book a week, which rises to a book a day when I'm on vacation.  I usually have a wish-list of novels that I'm champing to get my hands on, and have book reviews falling out of each and every handbag, saved up to purchase when I'm next on the hunt for reading material. 

This isn't a particularly cheap habit here in Dubai, but due to visitor season and M's regular trips home (just don't mention the giant Tom Ford book fiasco!) , I've nearly always got a good stock of reasonably priced books in the pipeline.  I get jittery if this drops below five.

So here's my dilemma....do I jack all this in, and buy a Kindle? 

I love the concept of having 20 books  in my handbag, ready to dip into on all manner of occasions.  But I'm also a sucker for having a real book in my hand, flicking backwards and forwards...I'm just not sure that a screen could take the place of that.  Nor the glee of seeing my new books lined up on the shelf, waiting to be read.  The anticipation!  Not to mention being handed a slightly dog-eared bonkbuster by a friend for reading in the pool.  I suspect that my Kindle would never really replace my love of real-live books - so what's the point?

I'd love to hear from you if you have one.  In the meantime, I'm mulling it over.

I Heart Satwa

Forget Harvey Nichols, Satwa's where it's at!

After working for much of yesterday at a client event (never any need to work at the weekend, but at least it was for a lovely client) I spent a lovely few hours in one of my favourite places in Dubai: Satwa.  It's one of the original community areas in Dubai, long before Downtown was even a twinkle in HRH's eye...

As well as residential it's also commercial, with heaps of shops.  There's a standard joke in Dubai that if you need something and you can't find it in Satwa, it doesn't exist.  To prove how diverse the place is, this is what I got up to yesterday:

Bookshop
Books are expensive in Dubai, with a new release, even if in paperback, regularly costing ten quid or more. And with the rate that I read, that makes for an expensive hobby.  Enter the wonderful 'Book World' which is a second hand bookshop the size of a postage stamp, stuffed chockful of all sorts of fiction, non fictions, kids books, old magazines..you name it, it's in there.  And not only are the books a bargain, when you've read them, you can take them back, redeem half of what you paid for them, and swap them for new ones!  After a bit of chin scratching in the philosophy section (who am I kidding) I admitted defeat and snaffled up a couple of bonkbusters to take to Nepal. 3 books cost me approximately 1 quid.  Love it.

Tailors
Satwa is known for having lots of tailors, and the key is to know which one you want to visit. If you just pick one randomly, you may have a bad experience and end up looking less than fabulous.  I do know one such great tailor, but here's the rub: I haven't been for two years.  And it's down a tiny backstreet alley.  And Satwa is basically one giant backstreet alley. 

I followed my nose in the general direction I last remembered heading.  Call it perseverance, call it the universe, but it wasn't long before I stumbled, quite literally, across the tailor that I knew and loved.  I unloaded a bag of material which was bought two years ago (luckily I have great taste that transcends the years, ha ha) and in two weeks time  I will be the happy owner of one new shirt dress (copied from a Paul and Joe favourite) one new kimono top (vintage copy) and one new work shirt (single white femaled from VH...puffed sleeves, long cuffs, just perfect for work).

Kitchen Supply Shops
I have no idea why, but I just love to see piles of saucepans, Tupperware, and various metal kitchen implements that I have no idea how to use.  Then I love to question the store owners about what they are to be used for.  I can go on for hours like this, picking things up quizzically, and discussing them - me with my non existent Arabic and them with their limited English.  I didn't have much time to spare on this but I did discover that you can buy electrical frankincense burners.  Who knew?

Hardware Stores
No, I haven't taken leave of my senses, I need some shelves, and IKEA is just snoreville.  Much more fun to head into a treasure trove of a hardware store and ask for brackets instead.  And however cheap IKEA may be, they don't do brackets for 10 dirhams.  You  also don't gather a crowd as the only white, blonde, western woman striding up and down the (very cramped) aisles.  It was more of a shuffle, really.

Carpenters
Well brackets needs shelves, don't they!  This little store frontage, I suspect, was the tip of a very large wood iceberg, but I couldn't really see past the piles and piles of wood.  I wouldn't say that English was the strong language of the lovely owner but we somehow worked out how long and wide I wanted the wood to be.  And the colour (the easy bit).  Just five short minutes later the aforementioned lovely owner bought these over to the car for me (he looked aghast when I suggested I would stand and wait) and passed them to me through the car window. Two beautiful shelves for 50 dirhams (ten quid).

After that it was a pleasant twenty minutes with the boy's tailor, which involved discussions about material, stitching, design features, and consultation of numerous photos on the iphone.  After that it was a very pleasant few drinks in one of Dubai's oldest hotels (and one of my favourites) followed by a street dinner at Ravi's. 

I love Downtown, and all the glitz and glam of Dubai, btu this remains by favourite way to pass some time...

Book Worm

We’ve started a Book Club at work. Not a traditional one where everyone reads the same book and discusses it, but a get together once a month where we all sit and share a book which we’ve just read. As a voracious reader (at least a book a week quite often two) borne partly out of insomnia, I’m always keen to hear about anything interesting that I can get my hands on. We keep all the books in my office after our chats so people can dip in and out of them.

It’s absolutely fascinating (and quite enlightening) hearing what people have been reading. Today just some of the books discussed were: Shantaram, Petite Anglaise (mine) and the Kite Runner.

I was suitably impressed when one of my lovely team explained at length the book on time management that she was reading. And she really was, she’s a very diligent young lady. Perhaps I should consider my usual favourite style of book (bonk-buster) if I want to continue to share novels with my team...

Bookworm

The reason I’ve been working all weekend is handling the media at a literature festival here in Dubai. Dubai is often hailed (partly unfairly I think) as a cultural desert, so it’s great to have an event here in the city which celebrates culture and learning. There’s huge names here: Martin Amis, Kate Adie, Yann Martel, the list goes on.


Things that struck me most: number one, how utterly lovely all of these authors are: they’ve happily endured our endless media requests and interviews with very good grace. Number two, how passionate people in Dubai are about literature. There’s literally hundreds of them packed into the Intercontinental Hotel at Festival City, whether it’s to attend talks, workshops, or even queue up for hours to meet their favourite author during a signing (which takes me back to a hysterical few hours queuing for the lovely Gordon Ramsey with Maggie, many, many years ago. Happy days!)

It’s been a manic few days – by running the press office for the event we’re effectively doing the pr for every individual author, plus the organizers. And as there are over 100 authors, it’s a mammoth job managing media. But it’s also been highly entertaining and rewarding. As soon as I finish today’s shift I’m off to buy my own body weight in books. Bliss!

Reading Material

Before I came to Dubai I worried abut being able to find my home comforts here. I’m not particularly attached to English brands but I cannot and will not live without Twiglets! I’m happy to report that most food stuff can be found here (we shall see about iced mince pies closer to the festive season!).

One thing which you can buy, but at a very inflated price, is books. A simple paperback can be anywhere from 10-15 quid, a little excessive in my opinion, especially when I read at least a book a week. I’ve started swapping books with friends but was really struggling to feed my voracious book habit.

That was until I was tipped off about an amazing little second hand bookshop in Satwa. Satwa is an amazing part of Dubai – nicknamed ‘old Dubai’ or the ‘real Dubai’ it’s a bit like going back in time. Lots of older buildings which are in real contrast to the skyscrapers in the background, and enormous J-Lo sized villas behind it. The bookshop had everything from health/self-help to travel and trash – heaven! I snaffled up a recent Tony Parsons, and a variety of New York themed novels. All for a couple of quid each. And the really fab part is that if you take the books back once you have finished, they’ll swap them for more or give you half of your money back! Providing they’re not too dog-eared, of course.

A bargain in Dubai, I like it!