TV Gold

As a woman whose tv isn’t actually connected, I don’t tend to watch a lot of tv shows at home, preferring to pick and choose the odd boxed set when I’m in the mood (who knew Allo Allo was so hilarious?!). But soon there’s tv gold to be had, and my laptop will be downloading a few gems from the BBC.

First off there’s Strictly: a fabulous plethora of sequins, inappropriate outfits, and lashings of fake tan. The gang has already agreed that Sunday nights will be reserved for communal watching sessions.

Secondly, there’s The Apprentice. I’m not a big fan of reality tv shows, but there’s something about the combination of deluded freaks that they put on the show, combined with Suralan’s caustic wit that has always had me in hysterics.

Some of my favourite comments from the lunatics they’ve lined up:

• I'm Stuart Baggs 'The Brand' - I've got a certain type of charisma’
My first word wasn't Mummy. It was money.
• I'm ruthless, even in Monopoly.
• I've read all your CVs and on paper you all look very good. But then again so does fish and chips.
Obviously that last one was from Suralan.

And of course, it’s always oh so easy to watch the hapless mugs try to complete a task from your own sofa, wine in hand, passing judgement on their terrible skills and brainpower, meaning that you, of course, are the next Richard Branson in comparison. It will be the first season that I’ve watched since moving to the Twilight Zone. I wonder if I’ll have any more sympathy for the contestants and if my retard-tolerance level will render watching the show easier or more difficult?

You're Fired!

I'm back into the Apprentice. I'd forgotten how utterly gripping it is. Yes, they're all a bunch of dimwits, but it seriously is one of the most entertaining programmes I've ever seen. As ever, I'm shocked by how they think nothing of stabbing one another in the back.. I'm still not completely up to date on all their names but there's one girl who is particularly unsavoury - Yasmina, I think.

I have to say it's not the same without being able to dissect the programme in the office the next day - obviously no-one else here is watching it. But it's still a hoot, regardless.

My favourite part (and there are many to choose from) has to be the way Suralan's chair is so obviously bolstered up to be higher than Margaret and Nick's when in the boardroom. Do his feet even touch the ground?

So far my money is on Phil to win. Although any man that uses hair straighteners really does need shooting....