Annoying things people say when you have a baby: 'Sleep when the Baby Sleeps'

Yeah right!

Ah, there is nothing more homicide inducing than this phrase. 

It seems so simple, doesn't it? So obvious?

It conjures up images of your little bundle snoozing happily, whilst you snuggle up next to them. You drift into delicious, glorious sleep together, breathing as one. You do this, on and off, throughout the day, so you feel constantly refreshed, not at all sleep deprived. In fact, you hardly notice you've had a baby at all!

Just one small problem here: this advice assumes you have a baby THAT SLEEPS IN THE DAY.

I didn't.

The beady-eyed tiny tyrant simply refused.

Oh I tried everything. I shushed, I soothed, I 'placed the baby firmly down', I begged, I pleaded. Still nothing. One day I actually walked around the house with my sleep mask attached to my head, so eager was I to really get on board with this advice. I was ready, at a moment's notice, to drop onto the floor, in manner of bootcamp, but instead of doing press-ups, just press-downs, and sleep. Even if that meant face planting the kitchen floor.

That was the day that Baby Britney (BB) stayed wake for ELEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT. I kid you not. That's not even possible according to medical experts. Ha! We laugh in the face of medical experts here! Sleep is for losers.

As BB got older, she has started to nap a little in the day. But we're talking 20 minutes at a time, and this was at 15 weeks old. I don't know about you, but it takes me at least 20 minutes to drop off, even when exhausted. That means that just as you are drifting off, you are woken by a screaming tiny tyrant in your ear hole. Try this every day for 15 weeks, it really is an absolute treat. If anyone had told me before I had a baby that I'd be crying and dry-heaving into a sink through tiredness, I would have thought them a gross over-exagerator. Now I understand.

So do be careful if you're tempted to trill this in the face of a new mother. She may just muster up the energy to strangle you.

Remember Me?!

Hello!

I'm back!

Yes, me!

Huge apologies for the radio silence. I've been a teeny tiny bit busy, what with, y'know, growing a human being, bringing that human being into the world, then dealing with the Vietnam style fall-out of trying to keep them alive for the last 18 weeks.

The good news is that they are alive, as am I. Older, fatter and more haggard, but nothing that a large box of wine and a full face of botox can't sort out. In fact, forget the Bounty bag they give you as they leave hospital, ever new mother should have a crate of Sauv Blanc and a surgeon with a hypodermic waiting in the wings.

Anyway. 

I know you're full of questions: What's it like having a baby? What's it like being a mum? What's it like (braces self) GIVING BIRTH? 

Well, pull up a seat, relax, and if you're in Dubai, pop on your Ugg boots and hoodie (is there any need for this Winter's freezing temperatures?!) and I will tell all. I warn you, it ain't all pretty and there's no earth mother in sight.

Pregnancy Reading Material

As a voracious reader and someone with a thirst for knowing as much as possible about anything unknown, it will probably come as no surprise that I have been reading A LOT during this pregnancy. As one friend pointed out: "If Britney hasn't read the book, it's probably because that book hasn't been printed yet."

You could go wild in the book aisles (and I did) but here is a small selection of my favourites:

The Baby Diaries - Tess Daly

I LOVE Tess. This isn't a manual so much as a lovely memoir of pregnancy, birth and beyond. As someone who comes across as refreshingly normal, this felt a bit like having a chat with a friend rather than a preachy 'you must do la la la' book. Good fashion tips too.

Up the Duff - Kaz Cooke

This is HILARIOUS!! A week by week guide that has literally had me guffawing. It's possibly the only that one that i could persuade the husband to read (no luck yet). I cannot recommend this enough. Note: It was previously called 'The Rough Guide to Pregnancy and Birth."

The Baby Whisperer - Tracy Hogg

I know the next two books divide people, but I am all over learning anything that might help, in any small way. I'm a complete novice. A friend said she tore two pages out of this, stuck them on the fridge, threw the rest of the book away. Guess what's on my fridge?!

The Contended Little Baby Book - Gina Ford

As above. I've enjoyed this book. Whether any of it is actually realistic or not, I shall have to find out.

Pregnant in 48 Degree Heat: What to Wear at the Weekend?

This is a slightly easier challenge. Skinny jeans become less attractive in the heat of the Summer, pregnant or not, so I would usually switch over to dresses. And I am a woman who owns A LOT of dresses.

I was been lucky enough to still fit into some of my bodycon Whistles numbers at 6 months (god bless lyrca) and lots of my beautiful silk shift dressses and batwing kaftan numbers were just born for pregnant women to wear.

Obviously it's always good to update your wardrobe, especially when you are starting to feel like a cow. Couple of my best weekend purchases below...

Stripes
This nautical number is ACE. Fab with converse and equally good with pumps or flip flops. I would have worn this even when not pregnant, which is a good yardstick, in my opinion.



Bodycon
This dress might look a bit dullsville but it's amazing on. I wear it with nude heels (when not much walking is required) for dinner and drinks, it also works well with flip flops and casual lunches. Very fitted, very comfy. 

This Too Shall Pass....

There are some pregnancy symptoms which, quite frankly, you could do without. I shan't list them here as my husband reads this blog, and he really doesn't need to know about some of them. (I'm a 'bathroom with the door closed' and 'no flatulence in front of the other half' kind of girl.)

Thankfully, I'm lucky that two very good friends of mine back in the UK (hello J and S!) are pregnant at the same time as me. One is due 4 weeks before, one 5 days after me. What are the chances?!

We soon became dab hands at exhanging emails and messages, usually titled 'What Fresh Hell is This?!'. This meant that when, on waking, and realising something was amiss/something had moved/something didn't feel quite right, I had two fantastic sources to check in with. And when you're half way round the world and know very few people with children, this is an absolute godsend.

And when I was in the depths of some dodgy symptom or other, tired or in pain, I clung to the fact that whatever it was, it usually passed. And a few days later it would. Hang in there ladies.....

Blazers Still Fit!

Gwen: Always an inspiration

Newsflash!!!! (Mainly of interest to pregnant women) BLAZERS STLL FIT!!! To be fair I haven't had to expand my wardrobe too much, but it's quite clear that a large proportion of items are no longer feasible. Which makes a walk round the mall a) dull and b) disheartening. Minimal interest in shops when I can't fit into anything. 

This weekend, a revelation:  blazers still fit! I love a blazer. Big fan of wearing one over dresses for work, or skinnies and a t-shirt at the weekend. So to discover that these still fit, AND with the right cut they can actually nip you in a bit and give you a good shape was a joyous moment. I snaffled one up in bright yellow - well, anything to distract from my tired face, hey! It has most definitely perked me up no end.

Mine was from Zara, but they are everywhere, ladies. Enjoy!

New Habits: Troughing

Me, at pretty much any time of day.

I never really had a sweet tooth. Sure, I'd scoff Creme Eggs at Easter and I do love anything from the lovely Mr Kipling. But I'm a cheese or crisps kinda gal at heart. Add in the fact that I do like to eat as healthily as possible, and I'm just not a big indulger in all things sweet as they tend to gravitate to my middle and thighs.

That all changed when I became Up The Duff (UTD). I fought it, I really did. But I've found myself leaning towards sugary treats like Kim Kardashian after a hunger strike. 

Things I find myself eating most on a regular basis that I SWEAR never normally touch my lips:

• Pain au Chocolat
• Cinammon Whirls
• Creme Eggs (to be fair, a usual occurrence, especially round Easter)
• Ice-cream (nightly)

The Husband watches with a wry smile as I scoff the above items - he isn't used to seeing me with my snout in the fridge quite so much, and certainly not emerging with anything unhealthy.

I reasoned with myself: on a normal evening I might have a couple of glasses of wine, on a night out, a bottle. Which meant I had HUNDREDS of spare calories to consume, non? And I kept repeating the mantra: pregnant women only need and extra 2-300 calories a day, so I did exercise some restraint. And at 24 weeks, with no one any the wiser that I was pregnant, it seemed to work...but a lot can happen in the final few months. As I hurtle towards 33 weeks, watch this space.

Pregnant in 48 Degree Heat: What to Wear to Work?

It is not easy dressing in a Dubai summer at the best of times. Throw in being pregnant, add the fact that hardly any stores here stock maternity clothes (wake up Gap/Top Shop/H&M etc etc) and you have a real problem. 

I've been lucky that I could stretch my pre-maternity wardrobe until around six months, at which point something had to give. Yes, I could pull my trousers up , but this is not much use if you can't sit down in them.

My work wardrobe saviour was asos.com - they deliver to Dubai! Stylish, reasonably priced clothes for work and weekend. And I also had a lovely girlfried who visited and brought some of my purchases with her. I say some. I took up at least 50% of her baggage alloowance. Now that's a true friend.

Here are my some purchases that got me through the hot days when I needed to look professional and a bikini just wouldn't cut it:

Swing Dresses

This one is a lovely stretchy crepe with dinky gathered cuffs. Great with a blazer, huge necklace and ballet pumps. I have it in black.



This is also great for work - a bit more casual with cute pockets at the front. Again, in black. I do usually love wearing colour and am not a fan of black. But black seemed to work better for me in this case - I had the fear of looking like a giant walking piece of fruit in any other colour.



Long Skirt

I'm not really a floaty kind of skirt girl, but this black number was elegant, can be worn with ballet pumps or converse depending on the day, and dressed up with a blazer if necessary. And my LORD it is comfy.



Lounge Pants

These are really best worn with converse and a denim jacket, but with a good blouse and pumps, they did for work too. They were like pulling on molten silk and I suspect will be worn long after the baby is born.

What I Ate Today. (Answer: Everything.)

Me, in a few months, I expect

Did I mention I've been hungry during this pregnancy? Well, I am. In addition to his I'm actually under doctor's orders to eat more as baby Britney is a little on the small side. 

This is quite the mental transition: from a very healthy and moderate eater to a crazed fridge raider. Such is life. 

Just to illustrate quite how much I am packing away, I give you, my daily food diary. Brace yourselves. And perhaps loosen your belts....




2 x apples
1 x yoghurt
1 x tuna salad
1 x strawberry smoothie
1 x bag of hula hoops
1 x donut
1 x bounty 
1 x ice cream
1 x corned beef hash

I ask you, IS THERE ANY NEED??!!!

Mothercare: Just Say No

Me, on exit

This week I faced my own personal Vietnam of pregnancy: I went to Mothercare.

Have you ever been in Mothercare? If so, and you have managed to emerge without weeping, clawing for air and despairing of the human race, you are a stronger woman than me. Here are the main reasons that I will be avoiding Mothercare like the plague FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

1) The Shop Assistants
Let's be clear, Dubai customer service is poor at the best of times. Expect to approach most stores (esepcially beauty or clothing) armed with far, far more knowledge than the shop assistants. How I yearn for New York, where the women on the Estee Lauder counter can analyse your skin at 20 paces, and make skincare and make-up recommendations with one eye closed.

The staff at Mothercare take incompetence to a whole new level. Bear in mind that I am far from a typically maternal fawning woman, whose knowledge of baby equipment hovers around the low to zero level. And yet I still knew more about car seats than the indept twerp who attempted to serve me. I rest my case.

2) There's SO MUCH stuff
The Mothercare in Dubai Mall must cover the size of four football pitches if not more. To be fair, if this floorplan was full of clothes, shoes, cosmetics or capybaras, I'd be more interested. But the vastness of it overwhelmed me. Who buys this stuff? And why?

3) The Clothes Are Offensive
I should have known better than to stray into the maternity clothes section. What I found there rendered me speechless. Hideous outfits that my grandmother would baulk at and refuse to wear (she isn't nicknamed Joan Collins for nothing!).

4) It is FULL of Other People's Children
I know this is a tad ironic given that I'll soon have one of my own, but the children in Mothercare seem to be a special breed. An out of control, screaming, raging, mayhem causing breed. I swear my ear drums are still whimpering.

Never mind all the advice about what to eat/what not to eat/what to do with a baby/what not to do with a baby: mothers of the world, please share the most important advice of all: ENTER MOTHERCARE AT YOUR PERIL.