Annoying things people say when you have a baby: 'Sleep when the Baby Sleeps'

Yeah right!

Ah, there is nothing more homicide inducing than this phrase. 

It seems so simple, doesn't it? So obvious?

It conjures up images of your little bundle snoozing happily, whilst you snuggle up next to them. You drift into delicious, glorious sleep together, breathing as one. You do this, on and off, throughout the day, so you feel constantly refreshed, not at all sleep deprived. In fact, you hardly notice you've had a baby at all!

Just one small problem here: this advice assumes you have a baby THAT SLEEPS IN THE DAY.

I didn't.

The beady-eyed tiny tyrant simply refused.

Oh I tried everything. I shushed, I soothed, I 'placed the baby firmly down', I begged, I pleaded. Still nothing. One day I actually walked around the house with my sleep mask attached to my head, so eager was I to really get on board with this advice. I was ready, at a moment's notice, to drop onto the floor, in manner of bootcamp, but instead of doing press-ups, just press-downs, and sleep. Even if that meant face planting the kitchen floor.

That was the day that Baby Britney (BB) stayed wake for ELEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT. I kid you not. That's not even possible according to medical experts. Ha! We laugh in the face of medical experts here! Sleep is for losers.

As BB got older, she has started to nap a little in the day. But we're talking 20 minutes at a time, and this was at 15 weeks old. I don't know about you, but it takes me at least 20 minutes to drop off, even when exhausted. That means that just as you are drifting off, you are woken by a screaming tiny tyrant in your ear hole. Try this every day for 15 weeks, it really is an absolute treat. If anyone had told me before I had a baby that I'd be crying and dry-heaving into a sink through tiredness, I would have thought them a gross over-exagerator. Now I understand.

So do be careful if you're tempted to trill this in the face of a new mother. She may just muster up the energy to strangle you.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Pray this never happens to you

Sleep.  Not something that has come easily to me over the years; whether it's not being able to, not getting enough, or being woken from it by blood-curdling nightmares.  That said, my new dreamy dreamy bed has massively improved things on that front!

For one rather scary period of my life, sleep also potentially meant something else: sleepwalking.  I was reminded of this today when the office started discussing 'stupid things you've done when drunk.'  To be fair to me, I did discover that the alcohol wasn't what was causing the sleepwalking at all, although it was the first thing that crossed my mind.

If you go and tell the doctor that you've suddenly started sleepwalking, they take you very seriously.  Did you know that sudden onset sleepwalking can be a sign of epilepsy?  Neither did I.  But the tests proved negative.  Turns out it's also your brain's reaction to incredibly stressful situations.  It basically 'forgets' to press the off-switch on your body whilst you sleep, which means that all the usual experiences that you might have when in REM sleep are no longer only in your head, but being lived out, quite literally, by your body.

I had some pretty upsettng health problems at the time, and my lovely little brain just couldn't deal with it all.  Sleepwalking incidents inlcuded waking up on friends' landings, on their stairs, or in their kitchens.  But I kept the best for a trip overseas.

During a work Christmas party in Dublin, my work colleagues found me sleepwalking through the hotel, just as I was about to reach the lobby, two steps from the front door to the street.  The stuff that nightmares are made of.  And it gets worse.  I was completely naked.  No, really.

I'm sure that some of my lovely friends who were on the trip are reading this: you know who you are.  Thank you for rescuing me, wrapping me in a coat, getting me another key to the hotel room, and putting me back to bed.  Thanks also for bearing with me whilst I sorted myself out and the sleepwalking stopped.  This story has gone down in the annals of history, as it is, of course, hilarious.  I'd probably find it funnier if it hadn't happened to me, but someone else entirely!  For the longest time I couldn't stay in a hotel without barricading myself in, just in case it reared its head again.  It hasn't, for over ten years. Insh'allah, this shall remain the status quo.

I Can Make You....Zzzzzzz

I can’t tell you how amazing I feel today. Full of energy. Re-vitalised. A real spring in my step. Have I won the lottery? Found a way to never work again whilst still taking home a top salary and still having intellectual stimulation? Sadly, no. The answer is simple. I had a good night’s sleep. 
Until I actually had a good night's sleep I hadn't realised how horrific life was without it.  It's a bit like living with pain.  A few years ago I slipped a disc in my back and it took me a week or so to get to the physio.  It was only when she magically tweaked and accupunctured my back, removing all the pain, that I realised how debilitating it is to live with constant pain like that.  And that's how it is with sleep.  I've been averaging about 4 hours a night for as long as I can remember.

So how did I do it?  Paul McKenna.  The lovely V brought me his"I Can Make You Sleep" book at the weekend, with accompanying CD. which I duly loaded onto my i-pod.  The first time I listened to it I did have a little snigger (it is reminiscent of the hypnotist from Little Britain: Look into my eyes, look into my eyes) but any laughter was short-lived, as after no more than eight minutes each time I've been sent off to the land of nod.

The irony is that she actually brought the wrong cd, but somehow listening to his extremely soothing voice has worked anyway.  The cd that she's given me is "I Can MakeYour Life Amazing" so hopefully this will have some additional benefits too!

Zzzzzzz?

Those that know me well will know that sleep has never been easy for me. How I envy people who can sleep at the drop of a hat, wherever they are. It’s the one ability that I would love to have. (Ok, ok, not the only one. Being able to play the piano, properly, would be another. Or to have some actual useful worthwhile skill, like being a surgeon, would be another.) For years I’ve struggled to sleep and can only drop off with the aid of ear plugs and a sleep mask. So a couple of weeks ago I decided to try to wean myself off the ear plugs. The building site outside my bedroom window has quietened down considerably, and I always have a nagging worry about not hearing the fire alarm, so it seemed a good time to start.


How wrong I was. For the last two weeks I haven’t had one night of unbroken sleep (apart from one but as that was a result of a vatful of champagne so I’m not sure that counts). This morning, as I was woken up by the mother of all thunderstorms, I conceded defeat. Popped in the earplugs and….slept like a baby until my alarm clock rudely awoke me. If it works, why fight it

The News I've Been Waiting For

I read this story with much excitement today. Sleeping can help you lost weight! In this case I should be about 3 stone....I've always been a great sleeper, easily being able to crack out a good 12 hours on any given weekend. Since moving to Dubai I've definitely been sleeping less: I work longer hours so I get home much later so everything shifts a bit later, including bed time....and when it comes to the weekend, well I can't say I bound out of bed, but I'm up much, much earlier than I ever was back home. It's the lure of the sunshine, pool and beach that does it.

I'm hoping this new research means if I have a very long lie in this Friday, before the gargantuan brunch session we have planned, then all the food I stuff myself with will melt away....a girl can dream.